I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
