he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
