I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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