dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
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