Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
God, I missed his penis.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
