About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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