I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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