He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
