whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
