booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
