You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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