You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
