he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
