Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
