I wish my penis had an off switch
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize