tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
