dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
