I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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