Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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