I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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