I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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