If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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