so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
