she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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