you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
