Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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