It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
