I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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