I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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