I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
