I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
