well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
