some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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