now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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