nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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