You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
