Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
