Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
