how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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