Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
