Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
