I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
