She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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