Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
