I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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