We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
