that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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