I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
