Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So vagazzling was a success
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
