does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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