I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
