I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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