It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
