i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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