Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize