I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
