if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
