i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
